My beautiful fiancee, Leah, and I are reading through the book of James together. I'm not even half a chapter in, and I am already feeling refreshed and checked by the Holy Spirit. I thought I'd share with you what I feel so strongly in my heart right now.
"Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do."
James 1:8, NLT
One of the hardest things for me to do is to be honest with God. Yes, I understand that He knows everything already, but there is something completely different about talking to Him about what I'm thinking and going through. It's revealing and intimidating, but if we can push ourselves to that kind of honesty with Jesus it's so rewarding.
I try to look at my relationship with Jesus like I would with Leah, my fiancee, or Jacob, my best friend. If I went months without hanging out with either one of them, talking to them, or listening to them, I could tell them I love them all I want-- my actions would testify against me. I feel like it's the same with Jesus. When we boil it down, we do what we really want to do. At the end of the day, whatever we care about gets done.
Epic. Random. Smile. They're monkeys.
One of the things that I've had to be honest with God about is that I don't always want to serve Him. I don't always think that being a Christian is the best thing in the world. I know, I know. This may offend some of you, or take you off guard. This is a step I've been practicing in my process of being honest with God. Check it: God already knows what's in my heart. It's liberating to talk to Him about it. It allows an opportunity for Him to come in and minister and remind me how fun and awesome He really is-- and that's what strengthens our relationship.
I've chosen to be honest with Jesus. I want to sin. It's tempting. And I think it's dumb that I can't do what I want. But, here's the amazing thing: "We do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin" (Hebrews 4:15 NIV). Jesus understands. He's been there-- and made it. So, I have no problem praying, "Lord, help me to want to want you, to want to do Your will." He gets it. Even better, he gives me grace to do His will. That's the beautiful thing. I learn that I can trust Him. I mean, what's the point of having a "friend" (John 15:15) in Jesus if we don't act like it.
So, what's with the scripture from James 1 all about. Well, the new thing I'm being honest with the Lord about is that there are some things about the world that I really like. There are areas in my life where I have "divided loyalties"-- we all have those areas. Honestly.
Here's my prayer tonight: Jesus, I need to you to take my heart's desires and touch them. Lord, I want you to take charge of my emotions and my wants-- because I can't trust them. I can't trust them when my flesh and Your Spirit are at war. Although my heart isn't cooperating in every area, I'm going to trust You anyway. Lord, I trust that Your plan for my life is better than mine. I trust that You love me no matter what. I trust that You're for me. Help me to want to want your will in every facet of me life. I love You, I promise. I love You. I love You. I love You.
The story of mine and Leah's engagement actually begins three days prior to the proposal...
It was Wednesday, June 22.
I was packing my bag to go to Lake Charles for the weekend to spend time with Leah and her family. I had the ring for approximately two months, and it was burning a hole in my pocket-- well, actually, the safe in which it was kept. I decided to take the ring with me to Lake Charles just to see if things would play out. Anytime I would go south or do something special with Leah, my mom would ask if I was going to propose. Up until now, I would smile, say no, and continue getting ready. This time was different. This time it felt right. This time, I wanted to know I'd spend the rest of my life with the girl of my dreams. With my duffel bag over my shoulder and keys in hand I turned the knob on our front door. My mom was right on cue. "So, are you going to propose?" "Maybe." I said. "WHAT?!?"
With a quick, but genuine I love you, I was out the door leaving my mom happy, shocked, and on pins-and-needles.
It was Thursday, June 23.
I had arrived late Wednesday night and woken up in the Hathaway's beautiful, two-story home. The house was quiet, cool, and comfortable. My mind, however, was racing. The entire one-hundred and eighty-one mile drive had given me just enough time to thoroughly freak out about asking her parents. I knew that they loved me. I knew that they were supportive of Leah and I. But, there's just something nerve-racking about putting yourself and your relationship out there to hinge on a yes or no.
Bill, Leah's dad, is an emergency room doctor and was scheduled to work the graveyard shift, so he was asleep. This was almost the excuse that I was looking for to talk myself out of asking. However, Mrs. Kay was up. So, I went to get the ring, put it in my pocket, and headed downstairs. Before I could get nervous again, I simply took the ring out and held it in front of her, smiling. "I really need to talk to you about this."
She freaked. In a good way. She hugged. and cried. and hugged. and stared at the ring. and hugged. and stared some more. I told her that I really wanted to talk to Bill, and she said that she'd keep an eye out for when he was up. I decided that after that small challenge, I'd take a nap on the couch and rest before the big one.
I woke up a few hours late with Bill nudging my shoulder. "Kay said that you had something you wanted to talk to me about."
I was half asleep, so panic didn't really have time to set in. I was trying to gather my thoughts, act mature, and get my act together. None of the above were happening. In my semi-cognizance, I blurted out the only thing that came to mind. "Sir, I really want to marry your daughter."
It wasn't the speech about loving her, and providing, and serving the Lord that I had planned, but it got the job done well enough. He smiled, nodded his head, gave a quick blessing, hugged me, and told me he had to get to work. Soon, he was out the door, my heart was pounding, and I knew there was only one thing left to do...
It was Friday, June 24.
My life was about to change. I knew it. My parents knew it. Bill and Mrs. Kay knew it. Leah was oblivious.
So there we were at Mazen's, a beautiful Mediterranean restaurant-- one of the nicest restaurants in Lake Charles. The meal was perfect. The food was great. There was a sweet baby sitting beside us that Leah could make faces at. Perfect evening. By the way, I was totally acting like the biggest weirdo throughout the night. Leah kept asking me what was wrong. I kept pulling excuses out of my... head.
The entree was taken away. Dessert was coming. I was freaking. There was no way that I was leaving that restaurant without a fiance, but things we not as cool, calm, and collected as I was hoping for. So, I went to the bathroom, psyched myself out and went back out there as a champ.
The table was cleared. The desserts had been ordered. And the ring was in my pocket. My. heart. was. racing. I had never been more sure that I wanted to be with her. I had also never realized that I was putting into motion a series of events that would make me the head of our home, the priest of our household, the father of our children, and the man of God called to love her as Christ loved the church. I know. Big step.
I don't remember much after that. Blame it on the adrenaline. I remember beginning my speech, getting down of one knee, and taking the ring out of my pocket. She immediately began saying yes, yes, yes. I reminded her that I hadn't actually asked her anything yet. "Well ASK me!" She said/shouted, smiling.
I asked Catherine Leah Hathaway to marry me that night. She said yes. I put the diamond ring on her finger and kissed her for the first time as my fiance. To my surprise, the restaurant applauded, ladies came over to congratulate us, and the hostess asked to take our picture. The night was perfect.
Now the exciting part begins. I get to spend the rest of my life loving her-- and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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So yeah, Leah thought I was annoying at first, but I was like a funny, charming, devilishly handsome fungus. I grew on her...
So there we were: March 30, 2010, 7:00PM. It's Leah birthday, and I have pulled out all of the stops. We had been hanging out a lot, and become pretty good friends. She was,and still is, gorgeous, awesome, sarcastic, talented, witty, beautiful, and I was crushing pretty hard. We weren't dating yet, but I had a good feeling that was about to change. We had already gone out the eat at Shane's on Youree Drive that night, and were heading back to my house.
Little did she know I had made her a birthday table. Yes, a table. Well... not really a table. Just a regular old table with tons of her favorite stuff on it. I had decorated it like a birthday cake. It had candles, and diet coke, and chocolates, and little pretty-girly-things. Normally, I'm not a bragger, but I don't think that spread will ever be topped.
We just sat, talked, watch a movie, and visited with a few of my family that walked through to say hello. I was so smooth. (I got game.) Then I asked her out. I was so nervous. (I'm a big rejection-phobe) She said yes. And we went Facebook official the next day.
Leah is the love of my life, and she thought I was obnoxious when we first met.
It's hard to believe that my beautiful, smart, caring, God-loving girlfriend is going to be my beautiful, smart, caring, God-loving wife. There are moments throughout the day when I am still taken back at how blessed I am to have a woman like her in my life. And to think about how it all started...
One Sunday morning as the service was starting, I was talking with my best friend Jacob and finding a place to sit in the congregation. I don't know what we were talking about (I'm sure it was ground-breaking and insightful) but out of the corner of my eye I saw this girl I've never seen before. She has gorgeous, long blonde hair, blue eyes, a killer smile, and a great body. I didn't know she would be the one, but I knew I had to meet her.
I wish I could tell you that my focus was on the Lord during worship and the message that day.
After service, Pastor Josh Merchant and his wife, Jill, took Leah, a few others, and myself out to lunch at Chili's as a way to make her feel welcomed. I had a burger. She had fish. How do I remember that? Funny you should ask. Trying to be funny, I fake sneezed on her plate. However, my body chose to actually sneeze during the joke. Little did I know, Leah is a bit OCD.
